A Change Is Gonna Come

Apart from listening non-stop to Sam Cooke in the past week, there has recently been a few changes in the inner workings of my life.  Unprecedented and quite out of the blue.  My feelings on all my plans for the near future have changed, and I’m not truly sure on the reasons or causes as to why.  A week ago I somehow started searching for a 9 to 5, uncreative, routine, run-of-the-mill office job to live that kind of horribly unattractive life that so many still desire.  The life that many find comfortable, but that I would bore myself to death with.

It’s not bad in the way I’m talking about it, but I never saw myself doing this.  My brain was constantly telling itself that I probably would never do it.  I was cynical about that kind of life.  It’s not the hours, or the lack of creativity, or the boring job description, but all of those things combined.  The only plus I could side with before was that it lead to a ‘comfortable’ life, and that was low on my priority list.

I was set on learning design and fashion technology.  I enjoyed it too.  I found it exhilarating, and even the most stressful moments I felt were worth it.  I would happily stay up 30+ hours just to fit in doing assignments after class and work.  There were no complaints coming from me, except the occasional I’m tired.  But I was very content and always had a smile on my face.  Maybe I was a little crazy too haha!  Well that was one year of my life, and I was completely ready to do it one more time.

Then I decided to put off the course.  I wanted to focus on saving for future travel plans instead, and a looser calendar.  If I wanted to visit my family it would be at the busiest and most crucial point of my course.  Then I told my manager I’d be leaving to find a new job.  It had been getting quite slow there anyways, and a few work mates were all wanting more hours.  I had been there nearly 3 years, but it would be the perfect time to head out.

As for design, I can do that on my time off.  Hopefully.  I get the real weekends now, but I’ve had that before, and those 2 days go by so quickly.  I will have to find an extra bucket of motivation and gallons of inspiration to achieve what I would really like to.  To be lured into the comfortable life, where I end up doing what everyone else does, and not challenging myself or straying out of my comfort zone, will just bring me back to who I was a few years ago.  I’m hoping, I’m really hoping, that I can pull this off.

Routine

After work, I get home quite late at night but I always have the same routine, even if I’m busting like mad…  The first thing I do is change into comfy room wear, turn on my computer, and head to the kitchen.  I make a hot drink, doesn’t matter if it’s got caffeine because I’m already so energized at night.  Recently my diet is quite unhealthy and I have desert foods over decent nutritional meals.  Oh well…  I still love my vegetables.  Next I finally go to the wc and bathroom to do my skin routine, just like all those videos on youtube.  Lastly, I bring my ‘dinner’  to my desk and spend about 2 to 3 hours through midnight in front of my BenQ monitor, doing whatever creative hobby that takes my interest for the night.   And the whole time I’m thinking to myself about how fast everything will go by and I’ll be in a completely different situation by the end of the year.  I’m comfortable at the moment, but it’s been like this for a little too long now and I’m feeling extremely drained.

I’m past making plans for myself, and I’m in the action phase.  I’m excited for the things coming, all the changes I will experience, all the good and bad, and all the hard work and frustrations I’ll have to endure.

Everyone has their routines, I have my small ones that I always stick to.  But they’re a very small amount. Even after work,  I have several ways of getting home and go with the one I’m in the mood for.  If it’s later than usual like 11.30, and I’m feeling restless and want some fresh air, I will hop off the train early and walk the rest of the way home.

Like many people, my formative years were fucking nuts at times, and I’ve grown up learning to appreciate the experiences and wonderful things that come by when ‘change’ happens.  Sometimes I think I need change to get energy, and just to stand having a job.  I’m not talking about a holiday or vacation.  I’m talking about changing jobs, doing something drastic to myself, moving, spending 3 months or more in a different place, and even completely changing or removing something in my life.  I can’t stand even thinking about having a 9-5 for more than a year.  In high school I made a short film about time and a girl walking around in a sort of daydream, and I think the teacher kind of understood what it was about.  I need flexibility just to stay sane.  My current schedule usually changes but I start to get irritated if It stays the same for more than 3 weeks.

I’m sure this isn’t gonna be so great in the future when people my age have families, a home and a career etc.  But no ones life is certain so I’m not too worried.  I could live till I’m 30 planning and going about my life ‘perfectly’, then something out of my control can fuck everything up and I wouldn’t know what to do.  So I feel better embracing everything that could go wrong now, and appreciate how things turn out afterwards instead of trying to fix things and make them go back to how they used to be.

So I’m excited, but I’m not naive.  I know there’s gonna be more frustration, stress, and exhaustion than I can handle.  But it’s all part of how I’d prefer things, the peaceful moments will actually be relaxing instead of me scratching at my brain going nuts like I am now.  And it will pay off in the end, if I somehow achieve those things that so many people say they ‘wish I could’ve done /pathetic sigh’.  They will probably have more money and security than me, but whatever.