Getting Older

It’s my birthday and I’m another year older.  Age doesn’t really matter to me too much. I care more about events, milestones, and life experience over calendar years.  But I still like to think of it as a personal New Years. So I like to set some resolutions or goals to guide myself.  In the past I hardly ever achieved them, but even this kind of thinking I’ve realised is unhelpful and a waste of mental energy.  I do think now that I’ve actually done things in the past that I look back on and am impressed about.  I  do think I’m very capable of getting my own things done, and in the past few years it’s definitely been showing.  Maybe  they’re not things other people see, but I do very clearly.  It’s a lot of personal things too.  I should also remind myself achievements that no one else can see except me are achievements like any other, and sometimes they’re even more important.

I have to believe in myself the most, but first I have to stop thinking that I don’t believe in myself enough.  I can get things done, and I will continue.

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Familiar, yet not

I’ve come home.  Moving around in my room, in my city, at work, it all feels normal.  I know where everything is, I know every step to take.  But it’s like I don’t remember how.  It all feels the same but it doesn’t feel familiar to me.  I really don’t know how to put this into words.  It’s like I’m in another person’s body.  Their brain is at work controlling their limbs, but their mind is me unattached.  My subconscious is at work, the part that remembers everything about ‘home’, but the rest of me is still off dreaming somewhere else.

It’s a very weird and new feeling.  Or maybe just a feeling I’ve experienced before, but on a much smaller scale. I’ve been away from home many times, and for even much longer periods of time.  Yet it’s so strange coming home this time round.

Because I’ve been in a dream. I lived it.  I did miss home, but only for a brief moment.  I didn’t really want to come back home.  It’s like when I wake up after an exciting dream, and I can remember snippets of it.  This time I can lie back and remember days of it.  The most wonderful month long dream.   I have all these memories, but it’s like it never happened.

A few days to go

Only a few more days left till I hop onto a plane and fly to the other side of the world!  The past week has been a weird mix of emotions for me. First of all I was super excited about 2 months ago, but then the excitement wore off a month in.  So in the past few weeks whenever someone asked me if I was excited, I answered quite nonchalantly.  But the past week, oh man, at least a few times a day there would be 5 minutes I’d feel a whirlwind of emotions.  Like first I would feel empty, then suddenly I would be impressed by myself that I’m even doing this, then excited.  I would also feel scared thinking what if I mess up big time, then I would want to cry for a bit but I was probably in public so I’d hold myself together.  Then it would be back to ‘holy fuck I’m doing this’.

Anyways I had my last shift today.  And even though I’m sometimes feeling nauseous just thinking of the plane ride, I’m not too worried about it.  I  got very sick not too long ago so I should be calm enough when air sickness hits me.

Overall however, I’m mostly relaxed and mildly excited.  I’m sure I’ll be fine when I’m there.

 

/this picture I found on pixabay lol and edited it on some online editor

Top 10 Favourite Playlists

There’s definitely a theme going on here.  I wouldn’t say this is an ultimate favourite ‘artists’ list, though I have listened to theses artists albums and playlists completely, many times over, and mostly when I’m in a lost or creative mood.  Several of these I can’t listen to just a few songs, I have to listen to it all otherwise I can’t sleep.  Some of these artists hardly come out with anything, but I still check back occasionally to listen to the same thing.  Or if there is something new it’s like a birthday present. It’s awesome but you either like it a lot or not really.  Some in the list also have very little out, but I love the sound of everything.
My list is in no particular order.  Some I’ve listened to while studying, while making clothes or drawing, and even while doing nothing and just staring at the ceiling for a whole hour.  Also, this list was kind of hard because I had to remember a few I hadn’t listened to in a while, and like a normal person I don’t usually listen to more than a few songs from an album/artist a time.

  1.  Creedence Clearwater Revival – a recent Uber driver showed me his spotify playlist and when I saw Creedence there I went off rambling.
  2.  Twin Cabins
  3.  Gorillaz – First 3 main albums. I still like the newer 2, but I only listen to bits and pieces of them.
  4.  Pageants
  5.  Cyndi Lauper
  6.  Surf Curse
  7.  Tammi Terrell (& Marvin Gaye) – Marvin is in brackets because there’s a whole playlist on my phone of Tammi solo and some unreleased at the time which I love the most.
  8. The Shirelles
  9.  Bon Iver
  10.  Empire of the Sun

***A few I used to listen to a while ago, and some when I was a kid.  Compared to the ones above, some of these I now only listen to a few songs like normal, unlike how I would in the past.

  1. Dido – when I was in primary school lol
  2. Mariah Carey – when I was in primary school lol
  3. The Naked and Famous
  4. The Supremes
  5. Amy Winehouse
  6. Morning Musume – beginning to platinum era

 

*picture of Tammi Terrell.

Routine

After work, I get home quite late at night but I always have the same routine, even if I’m busting like mad…  The first thing I do is change into comfy room wear, turn on my computer, and head to the kitchen.  I make a hot drink, doesn’t matter if it’s got caffeine because I’m already so energized at night.  Recently my diet is quite unhealthy and I have desert foods over decent nutritional meals.  Oh well…  I still love my vegetables.  Next I finally go to the wc and bathroom to do my skin routine, just like all those videos on youtube.  Lastly, I bring my ‘dinner’  to my desk and spend about 2 to 3 hours through midnight in front of my BenQ monitor, doing whatever creative hobby that takes my interest for the night.   And the whole time I’m thinking to myself about how fast everything will go by and I’ll be in a completely different situation by the end of the year.  I’m comfortable at the moment, but it’s been like this for a little too long now and I’m feeling extremely drained.

I’m past making plans for myself, and I’m in the action phase.  I’m excited for the things coming, all the changes I will experience, all the good and bad, and all the hard work and frustrations I’ll have to endure.

Everyone has their routines, I have my small ones that I always stick to.  But they’re a very small amount. Even after work,  I have several ways of getting home and go with the one I’m in the mood for.  If it’s later than usual like 11.30, and I’m feeling restless and want some fresh air, I will hop off the train early and walk the rest of the way home.

Like many people, my formative years were fucking nuts at times, and I’ve grown up learning to appreciate the experiences and wonderful things that come by when ‘change’ happens.  Sometimes I think I need change to get energy, and just to stand having a job.  I’m not talking about a holiday or vacation.  I’m talking about changing jobs, doing something drastic to myself, moving, spending 3 months or more in a different place, and even completely changing or removing something in my life.  I can’t stand even thinking about having a 9-5 for more than a year.  In high school I made a short film about time and a girl walking around in a sort of daydream, and I think the teacher kind of understood what it was about.  I need flexibility just to stay sane.  My current schedule usually changes but I start to get irritated if It stays the same for more than 3 weeks.

I’m sure this isn’t gonna be so great in the future when people my age have families, a home and a career etc.  But no ones life is certain so I’m not too worried.  I could live till I’m 30 planning and going about my life ‘perfectly’, then something out of my control can fuck everything up and I wouldn’t know what to do.  So I feel better embracing everything that could go wrong now, and appreciate how things turn out afterwards instead of trying to fix things and make them go back to how they used to be.

So I’m excited, but I’m not naive.  I know there’s gonna be more frustration, stress, and exhaustion than I can handle.  But it’s all part of how I’d prefer things, the peaceful moments will actually be relaxing instead of me scratching at my brain going nuts like I am now.  And it will pay off in the end, if I somehow achieve those things that so many people say they ‘wish I could’ve done /pathetic sigh’.  They will probably have more money and security than me, but whatever.

Bad Habits 1

I have been developing some bad habits recently that I need to control.  Seriously, I’m trying to save money and I end up paying nearly $100 for black suit wool just for a ‘practice’ project.  My problem is I’m starting to buy more things without checking the price.  It’s been going on for quite a while, and started about a year ago when I got a job but had no priorities or anything to save for.

Also I’m half way through the first part of this project, and I found I only needed around 60% of the wool I bought -.-.  A few of my past projects were the same deal, I only needed about half the supplies I got.

The only good thing though is I might be able to make use of this wool.  I could instead include it into some kind of portfolio piece.  I’m thinking it could turnout to be a 20/30s inspired coat/cape suit look.  Today I finished cutting the pieces, lining, interfacing, etc.  Over the next few days I’ll have to decide on the decoration or embroidery I’ll do on it and materials I would use.  Then hopefully I’ll check the right price and amount of those materials so I won’t be as wasteful as I have been.

And most importantly, I hope I finish it.  That’s another flaw I have. I can’t manage to finish a lot of projects I start.  It takes me forever to start it if it’s not on impulse.  Then I’ll get to 70% complete super quick, and somehow leave it there forever.  I’ve thrown quite a few projects away in the past and I feel a kind of shame just remembering my plans for it all.  But I don’t lose hope!  Maybe every third or fourth thing I tend to complete or make an achievement.  Like I’m 10 minutes away from finishing a major thick scarf.  The tassles are a little nuts but I like it.  This is after 2 other yarn projects I did. The first was shit because it was the first of course, and the second has been ignored though it sits just 2 ruler lengths away from me…hmm.  Anyways, I’ll probably finish the scarf tonight and use my breaks at work to make up my mind on designs.

 

 

Some pictures of Theda Bara, who motivated me to get a 20s source-book where I found a thousand coat and cape looks.  I was originally interested in more lightweight fabrics, now I don’t know anymore.  However, my number one original favourite from the 20s will always be Clara Bow.

50 Midnight Questions

50 Random questions from thoughtcatalog.com

1. What’s the wisest piece of advice your mother has ever given you?
Work, earn lots of money, and enjoy.

2. What was the worst haircut that you’ve ever gotten?
It didn’t look bad, but I regret paying $60 for a cut that I didn’t explain to the hairdresser well. It was a waste because I cut it at home afterwards.

3. If you died tomorrow, who do you think your death would impact the most?
My sister maybe?

4. Do you prefer writing in pencil or pen?
Pencil

5. What was your favorite snack when you were a kid?
Chocolate Pillows with the thick crispy biscuit.

6. How did you come up with the name for your pet? – no pet

7. What is the worst physical pain that you’ve ever experienced?
A fat thorn in my foot 😦

8. What is the worst emotional pain that you’ve ever experienced?
Probably some intense teen anger I’ve completely forgotten about.

9. What book was so bad that you didn’t even finish it?
If I don’t finish a book, it’s because I’m too lazy or the writing style just doesn’t match me (?).  I’ve left several ‘classics’ unfinished.

10. Are there any colors that you refuse to wear?
no way. Though when I was younger I always told myself to not buy black.  Black is now half my wardrobe.

11. What one thing are you most proud of accomplishing?
Hopefully when I travel the other side of the world. I’ll definitely get emotional.

12. If you could be interviewed on any talk show, which one would it be?
One where you don’t have to be fake happy please.

13. What’s the scariest ghost story that you’ve ever been told?
My mum told scary stories very well.  (One from rural Philippines) There was one where if you walk outside at night, and you get scared for some reason, an invisible hand would come up from the dirt and hold onto your ankle! So don’t let the monsters sense your fear!

14. Are there any dreams or nightmares that stick out from when you were a child?
A bleeding, wingless, manananggal.  A part of me thinks this ‘dream’ might not have been a dream.

15. What do you think is the worst crime a human could commit?
Hurting the innocent.

16. If you were reincarnated, would you want to be a boy or a girl in your next life?
Will I even care in my next life

17. What artist do you wish would be taken off the radio? – idc

18. Have you ever witnessed something unexplainable?
No but twice I’ve woken up and was still dreaming visually.  It messes you up pretty bad.

19. If you could go back to high school, what would you do differently?
Probably get to know more people. After the first semester, I ended up sticking to one group for the next 5 years.

20. How long do you think you could last without having intercourse?
A long time.

21. Are there any mythical creatures that you believe in?
Anything could exist somewhere in someway.

22. Is there a specific teacher that made your life miserable?
No, I didn’t bother them.

23. What TV show or movie do you want to watch, but haven’t gotten around to it yet?
The Inbetweeners movies. I just watched the series and they’re ridiculous.

24. Do you think any of your coworkers deserve to be fired?
No, but there are a few I wouldn’t have hired myself.

25. When you were little, what scenarios did your Barbies (or G.I. Joes) act out?
I never acted out stuff, just decorated the scenes haha.

26. Do you like the color of your eyes?
Yeah, though I think green eyes are wonderful.

27. Do you believe that animals experience emotions in the same way that humans do?
Yes? I’ve never researched this though.

28. What’s the most embarrassing dare you’ve ever completed?
It wasn’t so embarrassing as it was GROSS! I had to lick someones toe :(((

29. What common food have you never actually tried?

30. What’s your favorite cat breed?

31. What’s your favorite section of the newspaper?
Well the rare times I read them, wherever it talks about someone I can relate to achieving something.  Or some big event in the world I’m following.

32. Which 90s show do you wish they’d bring back?
It was right at the end but I loved Freaks and Geeks!  My childhood was in the 2000s so…

33. Did your parents ever tell you why they chose your name?
My grandparent’s names.

34. What is one memory that you wish you could erase from your mind?
I don’t know, I think it’s been erased.

35. What TV show did you once love, but eventually gave up on watching, because it got that bad?
anime in general

36. What (if anything) were you bullied over when you were little?
Not sure if I even got bullied, probably just a little disagreement I had with someone.

37. What’s your favorite font to use when you type?
All.

38. What age were your parents when they had you?
23

39. What’s the most embarrassing video in your recent Youtube history? – idc

40. Have you ever seen a person (or a dog or a cow) give birth?
No and I don’t want to ever.

41. Do you think you’re overpaid or underpaid?
Hard to say, but I’d always like to get more pay.

42. Have you ever killed a houseplant?
I’ve only had one, and it’s somehow still alive. I’ve managed to save it twice.

43. Is there a specific number that holds a lot of meaning to you?
If I said it out, well there’s my security gone.

44. On average, how many times do you wake up in the middle of the night?
That’s when I go to bed!

45. Do you know your IQ?
Nope does it matter?

46. Do you know your Myers Briggs personality type?
Oh definitely.

47. Which Netflix show do you think is overrated?
I don’t watch a lot of shows.

48. What is your favorite month of the year?
June.

49. Which family member do you secretly hate?

50. Has a celebrity ever replied to one of your Tweets?
Never tweeted one. But they have replied to snaps and comments 🙂