My being and conscious

Just one of the daily random thoughts my mind creates, which sure isn’t unusual at all.

 

I wonder if I could go back in time, would I be as I was then, or would it just be my mind going back.  Would my current mind be able to then commuicate with the person I was back then? Or even just oberve it and influence it but as a seperate conscious.  And I’m not thinking as if I would go back and be a seperate body.  The same body but like two minds looking out through the same window, but only one being aware of both in the same room.

So I’m thinking if the mind is seperate from the body as it exists, is it also it’s own thing depending on the time and space it is in. Like how our bodies are made up of all these different parts, and how some are able to survive without the other, and how the cells regerate for each part differently over time.

lol this even If I could go back at all.

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Money and Priorities

Where I spend my money, is where my heart is.
At this point I was hoping to have saved enough extra to spend on a whole new pc setup, because I had left nearly everything at home.  I have saved enough.  But it’s gone to new travel plans!.  I love using things like photoshop, and blogging, and wasting away on random forums and youtube, etc.  And I can do all that on a laptop/phone.  But I also really love video games! Ones that need a pretty decent set of parts. Like it’s pretty much an addiction. It’s all about priorities, more so than ever. Living away from home for the first time is a big lesson in knowing and improving yourself.  Old habbits are very tempting, and it’s so easy to go for the ‘comfortable’ options when the going gets tough.  But I just know I’ll hate it.

There’s a part of me that’s questioning my decisions, like I could of bought everything weeks ago.  But no.  The truest part of me knows it’s an addiction, and my money is better spent seeing more of the world.  And I can always save again, and the next time I have enough, I’ll see what happens.  I don’t mind if the next time I do get back to sitting and using whole days off on a game, but I’ll be quite impressed with myself If I get new travel plans.  Apart from travelling, I also got to save for lessons in new things, and saving for the future.

I’ll be very impressed and proud of myself, but still half of me will be sad and let down.

Don’t Stress – It’s fine now.

The long weekend just passed by, and for a lot of people it was great, but it was crunch time for me.  It wad my mid sem assessment weekend.  So literally everything had to be submitted from Friday to Tuesday this week.

I also earn most of my survival money over the weekend, I was all over the place.  I thought I had enough time though.  That was the main mistake I learnt from.   I focused on one main assignment that I’ve been working on the most which is also for the most creative design based subject. I thought about quitting and getting a full time job.  I thought of taking the easy way out.

Then I remembered I didn’t want easy. So I persevered.  I ate late, cried, and didn’t sleep. Decided to remember and learn from this.  Decided to discipline myself, but to not punish too hard.  And I got through it, (I told myself) like I always have. And I’m fine, for now.

Unoriginal

I see other people, ordinary people, achieve things that are memorable.
They achieve things that are memorable, and make history whether it’s big or small. I’d like to do things like that, but I feel too unoriginal.  I’m not too bothered about originality.  I just want to make my own little piece of history.

Getting Older

It’s my birthday and I’m another year older.  Age doesn’t really matter to me too much. I care more about events, milestones, and life experience over calendar years.  But I still like to think of it as a personal New Years. So I like to set some resolutions or goals to guide myself.  In the past I hardly ever achieved them, but even this kind of thinking I’ve realised is unhelpful and a waste of mental energy.  I do think now that I’ve actually done things in the past that I look back on and am impressed about.  I  do think I’m very capable of getting my own things done, and in the past few years it’s definitely been showing.  Maybe  they’re not things other people see, but I do very clearly.  It’s a lot of personal things too.  I should also remind myself achievements that no one else can see except me are achievements like any other, and sometimes they’re even more important.

I have to believe in myself the most, but first I have to stop thinking that I don’t believe in myself enough.  I can get things done, and I will continue.

Familiar, yet not

I’ve come home.  Moving around in my room, in my city, at work, it all feels normal.  I know where everything is, I know every step to take.  But it’s like I don’t remember how.  It all feels the same but it doesn’t feel familiar to me.  I really don’t know how to put this into words.  It’s like I’m in another person’s body.  Their brain is at work controlling their limbs, but their mind is me unattached.  My subconscious is at work, the part that remembers everything about ‘home’, but the rest of me is still off dreaming somewhere else.

It’s a very weird and new feeling.  Or maybe just a feeling I’ve experienced before, but on a much smaller scale. I’ve been away from home many times, and for even much longer periods of time.  Yet it’s so strange coming home this time round.

Because I’ve been in a dream. I lived it.  I did miss home, but only for a brief moment.  I didn’t really want to come back home.  It’s like when I wake up after an exciting dream, and I can remember snippets of it.  This time I can lie back and remember days of it.  The most wonderful month long dream.   I have all these memories, but it’s like it never happened.

A few days to go

Only a few more days left till I hop onto a plane and fly to the other side of the world!  The past week has been a weird mix of emotions for me. First of all I was super excited about 2 months ago, but then the excitement wore off a month in.  So in the past few weeks whenever someone asked me if I was excited, I answered quite nonchalantly.  But the past week, oh man, at least a few times a day there would be 5 minutes I’d feel a whirlwind of emotions.  Like first I would feel empty, then suddenly I would be impressed by myself that I’m even doing this, then excited.  I would also feel scared thinking what if I mess up big time, then I would want to cry for a bit but I was probably in public so I’d hold myself together.  Then it would be back to ‘holy fuck I’m doing this’.

Anyways I had my last shift today.  And even though I’m sometimes feeling nauseous just thinking of the plane ride, I’m not too worried about it.  I  got very sick not too long ago so I should be calm enough when air sickness hits me.

Overall however, I’m mostly relaxed and mildly excited.  I’m sure I’ll be fine when I’m there.

 

/this picture I found on pixabay lol and edited it on some online editor